So this is normal?

So this is it… This is the feeling that I have been mentally longing for… A feeling that not to long ago was just a dream to me… This is what they promised me I would one day feel again… You have got to be fucking kidding me!

If someone would have told me that my list of normal feelings included anxiety, nervousness, pain and social awkwardness… I never would have signed up for this shit… Who would have thought that the problems I had before my addiction… would still be present… And not only present… But magnified by a thousand times… And people wonder how drug users rationalize the decision to use…

I can’t even begin to describe how these feelings affect me on a day-to-day basis… But dammit… I am going to try… You see I have a few people in my life that I feel comfortable talking to… I do not feel that they are judging me with their eyes and I tend to get a sense of calming from them… Although this is a short list… It is a list that I am realizing I need to absolutely treasure… In my current world… This is a feeling I seldom feel…

I apparently am now an idiot when it comes to expressing feelings… Even answering comments on my blog seems so foreign to me that the fear of saying something wrong paralyzes me… I have a neighbor that I can’t even make eye contact with… *And yes I am talking about you* *And yes I am currently hiding behind the blogosphere* I am stupefyingly terrified… Not of them… But of me… And what I could say… The healing process has already begun… And I no longer have any bad feelings towards this person… I am just terrified that as always… I will ultimately “fuck up” another rare chance at friendship…

The world is a funny place when one of your fears is social interaction… When my phone rings it puts a knot in my stomach… My hands shake and I question even looking at it… You see for quite some time I had no friends… And even my friends were not so much thought of as friends… But as resources… if you get my drift… When my phone rang it was bad news… I was in trouble or worse… I still can’t get used to the fact that when my phone rings now… I no longer have to create a dissonant symphony of lies… In order to cover my endless pursuit of a feeling that only really existed once in my perilous and misguided journey…

Now many moments of my life are spent analyzing every word of every conversation I have ever had… The more I think about it… The less I want to do it… Words used to come out of my mouth in the same manner poop comes out of a horses ass… I don’t even think I realized I was speaking most of the time… Now I “analyze” myself so much that what was once a carefully planned out introduction is edited down to simply “hello”… I am only realizing as I write this right now that “hello” is an appropriate greeting… All the other stuff I write into my greeting is bullshit… All it takes is a simple “hello”…

I love how much this blog teaches me… Sometimes this thing writes itself… I need to trust myself more… And not over analyze things… I’m not used to being mentally in control of myself… As I realize that my “sober” self is not an idiot… And I develop a little faith in myself… I will maybe let more of you in… Unless you read my blog… Then you probably know more about me than I would probably want you to… Crazy how I feel comfort in writing my deepest emotions on a blog for the world to see… Yet when it comes to talking to my neighbors… I am terrified of even the thought of possibly having a constructive conversation…

In the past when I have forced issues I have failed… I am attempting to no longer do that… An issue that is not an emergency can wait for the right moment… I need to trust my gut sometimes… Now that I am not poisoning him… He has some good things to say… And he is telling me that although things are rough right now… Great things are about to happen… I just have to be ready and willing… Watch out people… I am about to come alive…

No wound heals overnight, especially the ones we do to ourselves – chriscondello

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2 thoughts on “So this is normal?

  1. Oh, Chris, this is a stunning post. I love your brutal honesty. How damn refreshing. I have bipolar disorder. Not the same as addiction, but painful. It used to be hellacious. Much better in recent years. Love that you wrote about this! Hang in there, my friend!
    Hugs,
    Kathy

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  2. chris, I love your blog and your quickly emerging talents as a storyteller. thanks! mary beth

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