Biohazardous Waste and Folgers… Not the best part of waking up!

Hot cup of coffee while the sun comes up… The first sign of morning is the laser beam of blue light that is enhanced by the cigarette smoke that accompanies my coffee… My body is still numb from the sleep… But my mind is electric from the lack of rest… You see… My body may have been asleep… But my mind wouldn’t shut up… Maybe I can focus for a few…

Let me see here… I just can’t seem to get my mind in order to write… Concentration seems to elude me… Blah!.. Seems to be the only complete thought I can generate… Nothing… Nil… Nada… Zero… Just sit and watch the news… With a cat… And my empty thoughts… Thoughts of nothing… Thoughts of everything… So many thoughts… I can’t seem to be able to put them into words…

Is it possible for the human mind to think nothing?.. Because it’s a very common answer to the question “what are you thinking?”…  I mean… Who in the hell actually thinks nothing?.. Even when I rest… My mind seems to just roll forward… From one thought to another… My mind weaves in and out of mental traffic… All that I can usually do is hold on… And hope for a red light…

Sometimes my thoughts are dissonant… I wrestle with the daily struggle that is the symphony of my mind… I struggle with every choice I have ever made… Sometimes it feels like a prison… As it does today… A prison that won’t let you write… Or display any kind of emotion… Emotion is nothing more than a sign of weakness—what a stupid statement…

Sometimes remembering something is worse than forgetting… My desire to be a socially sentient being has led me way off the beaten path… It’s amazing how many mistakes you can make in the name of friendship… But at the end of the day… I still have ten years of nothing… A million “exp” points and no gold…

I long to forget so much… And I hate to remember things… You could almost say that I have a fear of my memories… The dominant memories are drug related… A daily struggle I will never get used to… A struggle that at one time left me hanging by an extension cord… Even death is a feeling that I vividly remember… And every thought leading up to it… Save that for another time…

Recent memories are of a guy I used to hang with… He lived in a cold basement with his fiance… Junkies… Like I was… Held together by a parasitic bond… They seemed to feed off each other… Though in reality she fed off of him…

In this damp hell of a basement the only available light came from a candle… And a small glass block window that let the cold in through what I was told was a bullet hole… The lack of light was a good thing though… Not really much to see… A soaking wet mattress sans box spring on the floor… Two garbage bags of clothes… And an assortment of drug paraphernalia that would warrant a biohazard sign… Everything else was darkness… The penetrating sound of dripping… And nothing…

It was a rare thing for me to say I had a friend while I was still using… I guess we weren’t so much friends… But we had history… I went to school with him… And he always looked out for me… He hung himself in a jail cell… For reasons I actually understand… Oddly enough I was the first person his fiance called… At the time… I was the only person she thought would care… But I wasn’t sad that he was dead… I was sad that I lost my hook-up…

That is the kind of thought that predominately occupies my memory…  Everything I see reminds me of painful times and places… I find it very difficult to be positive… Though I try… As a writer I am trying to explore subjects that aren’t so doom and gloom… I hope this post puts my writing into a little  perspective…

Peace, love and happiness are feelings I am now attempting to explore… But given the fact that as an addict the only times I ever felt these emotions was when I was sky-high… You can understand my fear of the relation…

emotion is nothing more than a sign of humanity – chriscondello

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4 thoughts on “Biohazardous Waste and Folgers… Not the best part of waking up!

  1. bcumings1973 says:

    You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it. From what I’ve read, it seems as though you are making a positive change in your community. Keep up the great work! The world needs more people who care about it and it’s inhabitants.

    Brian

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  2. SimplySage says:

    Agree with Kathy. I like the way you twist the word emotion from a negative to a positive, weakness to a sign of humanity. That’s what you do with every pain—bring something positive out of it. Your life was spared, unlike your friend. There’s a reason for that. And that’s a good thing.
    Keep writing.

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  3. Sometimes the memory of painful moments is more painful than those moments were originally, because now we are powerless to change them. We can’t go backwards. But in going forward we write potentially beautiful ones, as well. I can attest to that, my friend. Hang in there, and keep writing. The writing helps.
    Hugs,
    Kathy

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