“Stuck in the Middle with Blue” – © chriscondello 2013 – Wilkinsburg, PA – There is no scale for beauty… If you took a Van Gogh painting and asked a group of school kids to recreate it using the exact same materials… Although you and I would recognize a difference… A scientist would say that they are exactly the same…
I once was in a meeting with 30 of my peers… Mostly good people with good intentions… They were openly picking my brain to see what makes me tick… Why I was a gardener?.. Why I live in Wilkinsburg?.. As far as I could tell… They just wanted to know why I was sitting at their table…
At some point in my introduction, my blog was brought up. I have to admit that I am not very confident in my writing, my hesitation to openly talk about it was immediately obvious to the other people at the table…
So once again I had to answer the question why… Why was I hesitant to divulge the web address to my blog. I can think of a million reasons, but the answer I gave was rather simple. I explained that I had only begun to write 2 years ago, and that I had only really started learning how to spell properly within the past year… Not to mention not having any knowledge of grammar… Or a relative grasp on the English language…
So… The room erupted in laughter… They almost couldn’t contain themselves… They had absolutely no clue that I was dead serious… I have to admit… This was a painful and embarrassing moment… I am often reminded how different I am… But laughter doesn’t typically accompany the reminder… I’m not sure how they would have reacted if they knew how I felt in that moment… It’s making my stomach hurt just thinking about it…
Now I obviously knew that only two or three people at the table had any clue about my past… And given the type of meeting it was… Well… I probably had no business sitting at that table anyways… I guess that’s what makes this journey fun for me… Yeah… They hurt my feelings… And their toilet paper probably costs more money than I will ever see in my entire life… But we do have one thing in common… Something that I’m actually pretty good at too… Gardening… Gardening always ends up being my equalizer… On some level… Everyone is interested in gardening…
I spent a third of my life trying to kill myself by euphoria… I came close… But I was ultimately unsuccessful… I’m convinced it had to be for a reason… And for that reason alone… I garden…
Gardening brought beauty into my ugly life… I write about it to help you bring beauty into yours… It may just save your life someday…
The only garden yield that matters to me anymore is peace… Peace for the earth… Peace for the animals… Peace for you… And ultimately… Peace for me… That my friends… Is beauty…
peace – chriscondello
This was originally intended to be a Practical Permaculture article… That didn’t go so well… So you got this… I hope you enjoyed my little sidetrack…
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
chriscondello 
Your struggles with the written word are not at all evident in your writing. This intrigues the educator in me. What an inspiration you would be for some of my students who struggle in these areas.
…and
I try killing my “self” with euphoria on a daily basis, though maybe this is not the same thing as you are describing.
You have a beautiful blog!
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I know exactly how you feel. Been there, still am, beginning to doubt I’d feel any different. It has taken me years and years to stop caring. Recently I had the experience where I turned on a group and showed them up, didn’t change their lives but it did shut them up for a little while. I was so angry I didn’t care what happened. Was wonderful. The courage didn’t last, fell apart almost straight after. Luckily by myself where they couldn’t see. This whole thing about one’s past being known, experience this too – well – if this wasn’t a public space I’d say how I really feel – more or less up theirs. There is no-one, I mean no-one that is in a position to have an opinion about other people. It’s the whole group-instinct thing. They’re (falsely) strengthened by being part of a group and the outsider is hen-pecked just because. If confronted with one individual at a time and pick at the edges and it is amazing how small they really are. It takes enormous strength to keep on one’s road to doing what one can to heal oneself. In fact, it isn’t really strength, there’s just not much else to do but carrying on in one’s chosen journey. Never, never let them get you down. Just know that they’re very thin on the inside. Only held together by the group. On its own it would cry if you shouted boo at it. Keep going brother, and peace to you too. I’ve learned to speak up. Not much happens.
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I love your writing, it lives and breathes and thrills our hearts and minds with the hugeness of natures beauty and the vast capacity of the human soul to immerse in it, be one with it.
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chris – do do do believe in yourself and what you do. you awe me
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And what better place to find peace than in a garden.
I really enjoy your writing and the topics you cover Chris and believe you have no reason to feel shy about it – it’s simply great!
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I think you are a brilliant writer. It’s not the grammar or spelling that makes your blog worth reading, it’s you. I don’t read your blog because you spell well or know how to construct a sentence. I read because your heart and your passion come through and that is what makes the words come alive. 🙂
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I am glad for the sidetrack. My son has turned to birds. Listening, commenting on them, watching them fly or hop near our tree. It’s his way of finding peace while working on his recent struggles.
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I still do not spell well. I also have a confidance issue with my writing. I can almost bet this is consistant with just about eveyone who writes. I am glad I found your Blog, and I enjoy your writing. You inspire me. So Thank you.
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