Scribbles from the Mind of a Struggling Soul

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“Sucked Dry” – © chriscondello 2013 – Frick Park – Pittsburgh, PA

Before you read this… Allow me to add a bit of context… These poems were scribbled on whatever I could find over the past week… When I work… I meditate… Although meditation usually takes me to a good place… It doesn’t always…

This week has been filled with triggers… And I have been emotionally struggling… But I am ok… I am stable… I am writing…

Higher Power

Staring through the waves of light…
Energy from the heavens…
Power from the mighty earth…
The source of my confidence…
The creator of me…
My higher power…
Apparently has no power…

Let it go…

Confidence lacking… Earth shattering…
Life scattered around me…
No idea where I’m going… No clue where I’m at…
I need to let it go…

Hunting for a dream… A direction…
Constantly avoiding my own reflection…
My back hurts from all this baggage…
I need to let it go…

Meditation reflects harmony and peace…
Hate absorbs hate… Anger attracts anger…
Bottled up… Ready for market…
I need to let it go…

My past dreams amount to cons and schemes…
Just another sad drug addict theme…
Spirit like Swiss cheese… Soul like a fallen tree…
I need to let it go…

Carrying the weight of my world around…
Thoughts simply add to my load…
I need to let it flow… I need to let it blow…
I need to let it all go…

Away…

Searching for a direction…

Every street looks the same…
Every fucking sign says stop…
Every corner I turn…
I see a fucking cop…
Standing here on the corner…
Surrounded by used needles and empty bags…
Shaking… Scared… But surprisingly strong…
I know what people expect…
Fuck… They tell me all the time…
They think I’m still a user… Loser…
A worthless drug abuser…
Let’s get something straight…
I don’t care about you… The haters…
You’ve left me no choice…
And this choice is mine…
I may not have a worldly direction… Yet…
I’m definitely not like you…
And I really don’t like you…
Though I can be kind…
I will never be your kind…

Thankfully…

plant petunias and question everything – chriscondello

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Complimentary Colors

"Buddies" - © chriscondello 2013 - Frick Park - Pittsburgh, PA - Complimentary colors... Growing in the same patch... Yet... None of them were close enough together to photograph... So I put them together...

“Buddies” – © chriscondello 2013 – Frick Park – Pittsburgh, PA – Complimentary colors… Growing in the same patch… Yet… None of them were close enough together to photograph… So I put them together…

To address my last post quickly…

Complimentary Colors – We call two colors complimentary if their pigments mixed together, yield a neutral gray-black. physically, light of two complimentary colors, mixed together, will yield white.

Two such colors make a strange pair. They are opposite, they require each other. They incite each other to maximum vividness when adjacent; and they annihilate each other, to gray-black, when mixed – like fire and water. – Johannes Itten – The Art of Color

Take it however you want…

To address the comment calling me a closet junky…

My arms show the scars of a million needle pricks…
I can still see them… I can still feel them…
And if I think hard enough… I can still taste them…
Memories are powerful…

Memories of the bad…
Should not supersede the good…
Life should be celebrated…
And death understood…

I would die a million deaths…
To save you from this one…

I know what I am… My question is…

Do you know what you are?..

plant petunias and question everything – chriscondello

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There Is No Scale For Beauty

There is no measurement for aesthetics... If you took a Van Gogh painting and asked a group of school kids to recreate it using the exact same materials... Although you and I would recognize a difference... A scientist would say that they are exactly the same...

“Stuck in the Middle with Blue” – © chriscondello 2013 – Wilkinsburg, PA – There is no scale for beauty… If you took a Van Gogh painting and asked a group of school kids to recreate it using the exact same materials… Although you and I would recognize a difference… A scientist would say that they are exactly the same…

I once was in a meeting with 30 of my peers… Mostly good people with good intentions… They were openly picking my brain to see what makes me tick… Why I was a gardener?.. Why I live in Wilkinsburg?.. As far as I could tell… They just wanted to know why I was sitting at their table…

At some point in my introduction, my blog was brought up. I have to admit that I am not very confident in my writing, my hesitation to openly talk about it was immediately obvious to the other people at the table…

So once again I had to answer the question why… Why was I hesitant to divulge the web address to my blog. I can think of a million reasons, but the answer I gave was rather simple. I explained that I had only begun to write 2 years ago, and that I had only really started learning how to spell properly within the past year… Not to mention not having any knowledge of grammar… Or a relative grasp on the English language…

So… The room erupted in laughter… They almost couldn’t contain themselves… They had absolutely no clue that I was dead serious… I have to admit… This was a painful and embarrassing moment… I am often reminded how different I am… But laughter doesn’t typically accompany the reminder… I’m not sure how they would have reacted if they knew how I felt in that moment… It’s making my stomach hurt just thinking about it…

Now I obviously knew that only two or three people at the table had any clue about my past… And given the type of meeting it was… Well… I probably had no business sitting at that table anyways… I guess that’s what makes this journey fun for me… Yeah… They hurt my feelings… And their toilet paper probably costs more money than I will ever see in my entire life…  But we do have one thing in common… Something that I’m actually pretty good at too… Gardening… Gardening always ends up being my equalizer… On some level… Everyone is interested in gardening…

I spent a third of my life trying to kill myself by euphoria… I came close… But I was ultimately unsuccessful… I’m convinced it had to be for a reason… And for that reason alone… I garden…

Gardening brought beauty into my ugly life… I write about it to help you bring beauty into yours… It may just save your life someday…

The only garden yield that matters to me anymore is peace… Peace for the earth… Peace for the animals… Peace for you… And ultimately… Peace for me… That my friends… Is beauty…

peace – chriscondello

This was originally intended to be a Practical Permaculture article… That didn’t go so well… So you got this… I hope you enjoyed my little sidetrack…

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Reincarnation

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“Self Portrait” – © chriscondello 2013 – Wilkinsburg, PA – Muddy puddle and food coloring… Reflection…

Reincarnation of life…
We are born and we die…
Some of us die many deaths…
Not physically but spiritually…

Some of us choose to grow…
Some of us choose to die…
But we will all change…
Based on our own experience…

Tear down preconception…
Strive to be the exception…

peace – chriscondello

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Blessings

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Very few rocks are made of gold…
Please pass some along my way…
Bless my family and my friends…
I don’t want to wait another day…

Some people pray for forgiveness…
Some people pray for wealth…
I just want to feel normal…
Worry about my own health…

Self destruction sold in singles…
Ten bucks will buy my demise…
Bless my family and my friends…
We would settle for second prize…

They tell you that it will get better…
That’s a god damn lie…
It only gets worse…
You just get better at dealing with time…

peace – chriscondello

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Big Budget Bully – 1984

11x14" - Acrylic on Canvas

11×14″ – Acrylic on Canvas

I can’t do this shit anymore…
Life was easier on drugs…
Now I perpetually handle…
Finger pointing thugs…

My mental state is stronger…
Than it has been in years…
It doesn’t mean a thing…
It doesn’t lower fears…

A big budget bully…
Pokes me through a fence…
Calling me a loser…
Telling me there’s no chance…

Digging out my heart…
With your silver spoon…
Don’t you get your acting…
Like a finger waving goon…

When you are down…
People want to bring you up…
But when your up…
People will bring you down…

Every day is a fight…
That no one expects you to win…
Bully’s often like to point out…
All your past sin…

I will keep my head up… And my ass out of trouble… That is all I can do…

peace – chriscondello

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Lost and Lost

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I am aware of my place in this world…
I’m aware of the things I can be…
I’m aware of what people think…
When they first meet me…

Answer the call when they need help…
Ask for a hand I’ll give you my arm…
But when I need to be found…
You lock the door to Maggie’s Farm…

Put me in your lost and found…
Lock it and toss the key…
Until the very next time…
You really need me…

Nowhere to be found…
No matter what the cost…
The name of my farm…
Will be the “Lost and Lost”

peace – chriscondello

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