The Other Side of the Noose

SelfPortraitDye

“Self Portrait” – © chriscondello 2013 – Conceptual Composition – Hamnett Way – Wilkinsburg, PA – Alley puddle… Mud… Food Coloring… And my reflection…

It’s 2 AM and sleep eludes me… Honestly… I don’t know how I ever sleep… I have gone 7 days without sleep or food… I’ve gone months without real rest… Shit… I’ve gone years without rest… The only difference now is the absence of opiates… I still can’t seem to shake the baggage…

Damn people… I’m really struggling…
Ups and downs like I’m constantly juggling…
The moment I stand I’m torn to the ground…
You chop me down without making a sound…

Five hundred and sixty five days clean…
Still not sure what they meant by serene…
I wish that I could unload these bags…
Even if it’s just my shitty used rags…

A hundred dollar camera… Decade old computer…
Tough to add value when you were just a junky user…
Resumes a joke… All my teeth are broke…
Writing this makes me want to cry and choke…

I need to find a place that I fit in…
A place where they will see past my grin…
A place where I can feel accepted…
Instead of feeling repeatedly rejected…

Until then… I’ll cover up with my hood…
Trying to find a medium that will be understood…
Took some time to look into school…
Met with roadblocks because I’m a felonious fool…

Someday I hope to find a way to make a dollar…
In industries dominated by brilliant fucking scholars…
Photography… Writing… Artistic behavior…
Doesn’t mean a thing unless your the lord our savior…

How can I compete against a CMU degree?..

I can’t…

I have to constantly remind myself I’ll be ok…
Suicide is not an option… I’d rather pray…
Pray to a god that doesn’t give a fuck about me…
Laughing at the broke guy writing about trees…

Empty wallet… Empty life… Another fucking joke…
Talking to plants… Perpetually broke…
What I lack in money… I make up in heart…
Praying for daylight… Another fresh start…

It doesn’t matter… I’ll just fuck it up…
Fill it up then spill the cup…
You make me painfully aware I have no value…
A sentiment that I was already aware…

I need to find my place on this earth…
A simple attempt to rationalize my birth…
I mean… You untied the noose around my neck…
I was happily dead during the Emergency check…

Why the fuck didn’t you leave me hang?..
Instead I’m here as a broken ass man…
I have the tracts to prove my stupid move…
Ten years spent in the heroin groove…

Try to get a job with that reference…

So tomorrow… I’ll take my cheap ass camera to work…
Till the earth with my broken pitch fork…
Dreaming… Believing my life will work out…
Believing there’s a reason I didn’t check out…

There has to be a place for me… I’m just not sure where to find it… Or… If it will find me…

Until then… I’ll keep on keeping on…

plant petunias and question everything – chriscondello

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A Passion for Flowers

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

“Passion of the Flower” – © chriscondello 2013 – Whitney Avenue – Wilkinsburg, PA – Simply a passionflower growing up my railing…

Raindrops falling in my coffee…
Sun drops on my morning mind…
Gray skies… Precipitous implies…
Thunder rolls while the rain flies…

Fog pulses in the steady breeze…
Birds sing in the majestic trees…
Through the garden my soul thrives…
Today is a great day to be alive…

Leaves rustle in a gust of wind…
Shingles flap and litter flies…
A vacant home creaks and moans…
Floor boards give with a steady groan…

Gardening eliminates physical pain…
Opens the mind to spiritual gain…
Art and science… Life and death…
Plays a part in our every breath…

Embrace Life…

plant petunias and question everything – chriscondello

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Cherry Blossom Highway

CherryBlossomHighway

“Cherry Blossom Highway” – © chriscondello 2013 – Walnut Street – Wilkinsburg, PA – I remembered to get it… I had planned to do more… But the wind erased my canvas immediately following this photo…

I wrote this two days ago… May 2nd… Didn’t think I would post it… But I am… I was sitting on my back porch observing and writing… When shots rang out… I attempted to write-through it… 

This is how many of my poems begin… It is observational notes I take to try to spark a poem… After reading this… I decided to post it as is… Hope you enjoy…

May 2, 2013

Warm spring in the moonlight… Evening pleasantries…
Breeze smells of lilac… One of the warmer spring scents…
Cherry blossoms float through the sky…
Dandelion floaters lift up high…
Then fall into my backyard…

Warm days don’t equal warm nights…
But that won’t stop me…
As the smoke flows in the street light glow…
I plan for my cherry blossom highway…

The ground beneath my feet begins to shake…
Preparing for a metaphysical earthquake…

Shots fired… 12:12 AM – 11 or 12 of them… Sounded like just a block or two away… Maybe Rebecca Avenue and Center Street…

Now my senses are wide awake…
As I wait for a reply…
Shouting and screaming…
Silenced with the sound…

Sirens scream through the night…
Orange glow is now just light…
The night no longer celebrates…
The silence makes me contemplate…

Where do the good spirits go?..
Why can I no longer find them?..

Man makes me question the presence of God…
But nature always answers…

I will find my peace tomorrow…
Goodnight…

plant petunias and question everything – chriscondello

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There Is No Scale For Beauty

There is no measurement for aesthetics... If you took a Van Gogh painting and asked a group of school kids to recreate it using the exact same materials... Although you and I would recognize a difference... A scientist would say that they are exactly the same...

“Stuck in the Middle with Blue” – © chriscondello 2013 – Wilkinsburg, PA – There is no scale for beauty… If you took a Van Gogh painting and asked a group of school kids to recreate it using the exact same materials… Although you and I would recognize a difference… A scientist would say that they are exactly the same…

I once was in a meeting with 30 of my peers… Mostly good people with good intentions… They were openly picking my brain to see what makes me tick… Why I was a gardener?.. Why I live in Wilkinsburg?.. As far as I could tell… They just wanted to know why I was sitting at their table…

At some point in my introduction, my blog was brought up. I have to admit that I am not very confident in my writing, my hesitation to openly talk about it was immediately obvious to the other people at the table…

So once again I had to answer the question why… Why was I hesitant to divulge the web address to my blog. I can think of a million reasons, but the answer I gave was rather simple. I explained that I had only begun to write 2 years ago, and that I had only really started learning how to spell properly within the past year… Not to mention not having any knowledge of grammar… Or a relative grasp on the English language…

So… The room erupted in laughter… They almost couldn’t contain themselves… They had absolutely no clue that I was dead serious… I have to admit… This was a painful and embarrassing moment… I am often reminded how different I am… But laughter doesn’t typically accompany the reminder… I’m not sure how they would have reacted if they knew how I felt in that moment… It’s making my stomach hurt just thinking about it…

Now I obviously knew that only two or three people at the table had any clue about my past… And given the type of meeting it was… Well… I probably had no business sitting at that table anyways… I guess that’s what makes this journey fun for me… Yeah… They hurt my feelings… And their toilet paper probably costs more money than I will ever see in my entire life…  But we do have one thing in common… Something that I’m actually pretty good at too… Gardening… Gardening always ends up being my equalizer… On some level… Everyone is interested in gardening…

I spent a third of my life trying to kill myself by euphoria… I came close… But I was ultimately unsuccessful… I’m convinced it had to be for a reason… And for that reason alone… I garden…

Gardening brought beauty into my ugly life… I write about it to help you bring beauty into yours… It may just save your life someday…

The only garden yield that matters to me anymore is peace… Peace for the earth… Peace for the animals… Peace for you… And ultimately… Peace for me… That my friends… Is beauty…

peace – chriscondello

This was originally intended to be a Practical Permaculture article… That didn’t go so well… So you got this… I hope you enjoyed my little sidetrack…

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Value Hue or Shade

Pyrex

The last of the snow clings to the shadows…
Shadows of winter that always face north…
As the shadows fade with the end of winter…
Spring and its flowers begin to push forth…

Take your time to observe your surrounding…
Natures beauty never fails to awe and inspire…
Even in winter when you look you will find…
A minimalist landscape for your artistic desire…

Black and white make colors seem bright…
When mixed together they neutralize and fade…
Who wants to be just another neutral gray…
When you can be color in any value, hue or shade…

peace – chriscondello

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Line in the Sand

house.

Some people like to look for things they will never find…
So concerned with their current situational bind…
A form of neurotic compulsion that poisons the mind…
And stands in the way of your being kind…

What’s this obsession with the things you don’t own…
Living your life-like a remote-controlled drone…
Why is it a requirement that once you are grown…
You profess your love with a worthless fucking stone…

This is not a requirement, it is not a goal…
Sounds like something we learned from a troll…
Parents taught you it’s one of life’s little tolls…
Most of you might as well be buried in a hole…

Time to draw a curved line in the sand…
Seeds in your pocket and shovel in hand…
It’s ok to live and be one with the land…
And recognize that life can be immensely grand…

peace – chriscondello

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