Someone Like You

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“40 Degrees and Tropical” – Whitney Avenue – Wilkinsburg, PA

65 degrees on a stellar October afternoon…
Blue sky before a partial eclipse of the moon…
Yellow sunlight compliments shadows in blue…
All I need in this moment is someone like you…

The harvest is in the cool autumn breeze…
Now were just days away from the freeze…
Celebrate life and accept what is new…
All I need in this moment is someone like you…

Batten down hatches and get what you need…
Winter arrives when the annuals set seed…
Morning surrounded in thick fog and dew…
All I need in this moment is someone like you…

The birds and the animals forage and feast…
Stored for when winter unleashes the beast…
Remember the days when our friendship grew…
All I need in this moment is someone like you…

So go outside and enjoy the bright sunshine…
Life’s not equipped with replay or rewind…
Surround yourself by those who are true…
All I need in this moment is someone like you…

plant petunias and question everything – chriscondello

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For My Friend

Squill

“Singular Squill” – © chriscondello 2013 – Calming blue… Soul soothing tones… The perfect companion on a day like today…

I wrote this yesterday… But I couldn’t press post until today… Sorry for the delay…

Today I received some grave news regarding a close family friend… Things are not looking good for him right now… This is not something I have had to deal with in quite some time… My initial feelings were rather cold… Having used heroin for the better part of a decade… I had become accustomed to regular death… Almost hardened to it… I expected it… And as a user… I embraced it…

It took roughly ten minutes for what I had just been told to sink in… Oddly… My initial feelings reminded me of being dope sick… I just felt ill… My initial reaction was purely physical… My stomach twisted… My head started to throb… Then I realized what was happening…

My face got warm… And it became difficult to see… Weird… My mind left the present… And immediately focused on the past… Memories… And not the bad memories I commonly associate with the people I used to use drugs with… But good memories… The kind you relate with a real friend…

The feeling was so foreign to me that the only thing I could comprehend doing was heading to the woods… It is the only place that makes any sense to me at all… Walking at break neck speeds… I choked back tears along the entire seven block walk to Frick Park… I have severed a finger without making a sound other than quietly asking to be taken to the hospital… I don’t cry… But today I cried…

Normally when I get in the woods I become a different person… I become highly aware of my surroundings… I look for color… Observe movement… Listen to everything… I don’t just think of it as walking through the woods… I walk with the woods… I don’t subtract… I add…

Today was different… I was expecting the good forest vibe to trump my grief… I was expecting the trees to kill my pain… Or at least dull it… Like an opiate dulls physical pain… But it did not… Although I was no longer on the brink of crying… I was still lost in thought… As I walked aimlessly through the woods… I realized that my mind was far from the present… I had no focus… I had no aim… I was just off-balance…

As I started to realize what I was feeling… I was able to focus it… And use it to some degree… Though I would compare it to learning to walk all over again… Normally… When I find a place to stop and work… I can focus on the present and get right to it… But today I could not focus… My mind was in the trees…. My mind was with my friend…

TopStack

“Watching” – © chriscondello 2013 – It is difficult to write about the feelings I had running through my mind while I was on this rock… Really painful…

As I clawed my way to the top of the steepest trail in the park… My mind was focused on getting as far away from the relentless onslaught of people walking their dogs through the park as humanly possible… On a normal day… This is one of the parks best attributes… But not today…Today I needed to get as far away from them as possible… I needed a place to be invisible…

At the top of one of the trails lies a shale outcropping… From this rock… I can see five trails… From this rock… I can see myself… From this rock… I can see you in the pale gray distance… I will do more than this stack of stones… Maybe 100 stacks… Maybe 1000 stacks… I just don’t know… I won’t know until it feels right… The only thing I do know… Is he deserves more… It is very rare to know someone who has had a positive effect on every person they came in contact with… Those that do… Deserve something special… I don’t grieve like most people… And I don’t memorialize like most people… But I do cry…

HoldingUp

“Holding Up” – © chriscondello 2013 – Because when you needed a friend to help hold you up… He was always available… And willing to help…

I will create art……
I will plant trees…
But most importantly…
I will not forget…

peace – chriscondello

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So this is normal?

So this is it… This is the feeling that I have been mentally longing for… A feeling that not to long ago was just a dream to me… This is what they promised me I would one day feel again… You have got to be fucking kidding me!

If someone would have told me that my list of normal feelings included anxiety, nervousness, pain and social awkwardness… I never would have signed up for this shit… Who would have thought that the problems I had before my addiction… would still be present… And not only present… But magnified by a thousand times… And people wonder how drug users rationalize the decision to use…

I can’t even begin to describe how these feelings affect me on a day-to-day basis… But dammit… I am going to try… You see I have a few people in my life that I feel comfortable talking to… I do not feel that they are judging me with their eyes and I tend to get a sense of calming from them… Although this is a short list… It is a list that I am realizing I need to absolutely treasure… In my current world… This is a feeling I seldom feel…

I apparently am now an idiot when it comes to expressing feelings… Even answering comments on my blog seems so foreign to me that the fear of saying something wrong paralyzes me… I have a neighbor that I can’t even make eye contact with… *And yes I am talking about you* *And yes I am currently hiding behind the blogosphere* I am stupefyingly terrified… Not of them… But of me… And what I could say… The healing process has already begun… And I no longer have any bad feelings towards this person… I am just terrified that as always… I will ultimately “fuck up” another rare chance at friendship…

The world is a funny place when one of your fears is social interaction… When my phone rings it puts a knot in my stomach… My hands shake and I question even looking at it… You see for quite some time I had no friends… And even my friends were not so much thought of as friends… But as resources… if you get my drift… When my phone rang it was bad news… I was in trouble or worse… I still can’t get used to the fact that when my phone rings now… I no longer have to create a dissonant symphony of lies… In order to cover my endless pursuit of a feeling that only really existed once in my perilous and misguided journey…

Now many moments of my life are spent analyzing every word of every conversation I have ever had… The more I think about it… The less I want to do it… Words used to come out of my mouth in the same manner poop comes out of a horses ass… I don’t even think I realized I was speaking most of the time… Now I “analyze” myself so much that what was once a carefully planned out introduction is edited down to simply “hello”… I am only realizing as I write this right now that “hello” is an appropriate greeting… All the other stuff I write into my greeting is bullshit… All it takes is a simple “hello”…

I love how much this blog teaches me… Sometimes this thing writes itself… I need to trust myself more… And not over analyze things… I’m not used to being mentally in control of myself… As I realize that my “sober” self is not an idiot… And I develop a little faith in myself… I will maybe let more of you in… Unless you read my blog… Then you probably know more about me than I would probably want you to… Crazy how I feel comfort in writing my deepest emotions on a blog for the world to see… Yet when it comes to talking to my neighbors… I am terrified of even the thought of possibly having a constructive conversation…

In the past when I have forced issues I have failed… I am attempting to no longer do that… An issue that is not an emergency can wait for the right moment… I need to trust my gut sometimes… Now that I am not poisoning him… He has some good things to say… And he is telling me that although things are rough right now… Great things are about to happen… I just have to be ready and willing… Watch out people… I am about to come alive…

No wound heals overnight, especially the ones we do to ourselves – chriscondello

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